The Toddler's Guide To Successful Toddlering

If you are reading this, you are probably between 10 and 36 months old and are doubting your potential to be a successful toddler. 

Let me guess? You see other toddlers throw themselves on the ground and behave as if the end of the world is nigh only to be scooped up moments later by a parent or minder and given the thing they want? You want that too but you haven't been able to achieve it? You parents are not driven entirely crazy by your behaviour but all your friends' parents are losing the plot?

Don't worry. You can do it too. By following these simple rules, you can reach your potential before it is too late. 

1. There is no phase: We've all heard the muttering between parents when their toddlers seem impossible to manage, "It is just a phase". Don't let them fool you. There is no phase. YOU are in charge. YOU have the power to decide whether or not you get what you want out of todderhood.

2. Learn from your mistakes: Your first attempt at a tantrum was scuppered by a know-it-all mother who fooled you into calming down? So what? Learn from your mistakes. Now that you know her tricks, you just have to repeat the performance and stick to your guns. She has been lulled into a false sense of security and believes the same tricks will work on you again. Oh no, think again lady! 

3. Repetition is key: Remember, tantrums are not your only weapon. Repetition of what parents consider unsuitable behaviour is a powerful tool. Climbing onto the kitchen table when no one is looking, emptying the cupboards of their contents, playing with the toilet brush - these are all examples of easy-to-perform activities which, if repeated often enough, will drive your parents to the levels of frustration you always hoped to achieve. 

4. Trust your instincts: Don't listen to the contant cries of "No" and "Don't do that!". Remember that you were born to be a toddler. It is a natural progression from babyhood. All that lying around in your pram wasn't a waste of time. It allowed you to gather information, to soak up the behaviour of the adults and children around you. It has allowed you to learn which buttons to push to get your way. Trust your instincts and go with what you feel. If you can get near a phone or tablet, disable it in some way. Your mind will guide you and let you know the exact combination of buttons to press to set it to a foreign language or turn the screen sideways. 

Following these guidelines will set you on the path to becoming the kind of toddler that other mothers gossip about. Goody two shoes pre-schoolers may even look to you for inspiration. But don't underestimate the amount of work involved. At first it may seem not to be worth it, but once you get a taste of getting your way, you won't regret having put in the effort. 

I pity the old lady who lived in a shoe

As a child, I used to think that the old lady who lived in a shoe must have had something like 15 children since the rhyme tells us "she had so many children she didn't know what to do". 

Now that I have my own brood, there are days when I believe she probably only had two or three. It can be enough to drive you to distraction when you live in a house. But living in a shoe, that must be fairly tough on you.

I don't condone her behaviour and I would never whip mine, soundly or otherwise, but there are times when I feel her despair.

Another thought. Given that she gave them broth without any bread, maybe she had them on a gluten free diet. They could have had allergies, ADHS or all sorts. Who knows?

Did I really just say that?

Sometimes things come out of my mouth addressed to the children and I can hardly believe my own ears. If I overheard someone else utter these sentences, I would probably be appalled and feel quite superior in my parenting style. I'm not even talking about swear words or threats. It is sheer scenario-specific stuff which, heard out of context, sounds quite awful. Here's a selection of my recent utterings.

 - Ah, don't eat out of the bin, love!

 - Did you just do a wee wee on The Flash? (the superhero in Lego form, not the cleaning product)

 - Sit down and eat your pizza (said to my 11 month old. In my defense it was delicious, healthy, homemede from scratch pizza).

 - Playmobil men do not belong in the loo!

 - Stay still so I can pick your nose (again, said to my 11 month old who has a cold and whose nose was blocked).

 - No, there is nothing else till you finish your Nutella (in response to my five year old asking for a banana half-way through the Nutella sandwich he begged for).

 - Toilet roll is not a scarf!
 - No, don't lick your shoes, pet!

In sharing this with you I am assuming that I am not the only parent who finds herself in these surreal situations. I really hope I am not wrong!

Adults and Their Lack of Parenting Skills - 6 Tips from a 6 Year Old

"Grown ups don't have as much Fantasie [German for imagination] as children do, Mammy"

"That's right love. Did you learn that at school today?"

"No, I just know it. Like if there is a cardboard box you say "Don't play with that. It is junk" but we can make marvellous things from it".

This conversation took place at the kitchen table the other evening with Number One. As we chatted, he and Number Two were getting their own homemade ice pops ready for the freezer. Red grape juice with strawberry Tic Tacs and fresh raspberries in them, not a combination an adult would come up with too easily. Case in point. Adults lack imagination.

Recognising the truth in what Number One had just said, I asked him for his opinion on what adults should do to become better parents. At that he turned a little bit shy, but went on to list the following points over the course of the next hour or so.

1. "Grown ups shouldn't use their phones so much because the children want to play catch or something and the grown ups just want to make phone calls". 

2. "Grown ups shouldn't make food that they made one time before and the children said they didn't like".

3. "Children should get treats after anstrengende [German for strenuous] things like school or Kindergarten and they should be given cool drinks after sport". (Apparently the drinks I give them are not good enough because they are room temperature).

4. "Grown ups shouldn't say bold words and the children learn that and think it is the way to treat people". (I am the guilty party here. Bad drivers are the cause. The Bavarian manages to keep his cool and not swear when the children are around).

5. "Do fun things. Fun for the children. Not always things that grown ups like". (Ehem! Our trip to Playmobil Fun Park, our canoe trips, our upcoming camping trip? Not fun? Hmm).

6. "Don't get cross with children if they just want to...em..if they ask for something that the grown ups don't want to do.  Like if the grown ups want to read the paper and the children ask them to play with them". (For "ask" here read "nag and whinge and not stop till they annoy the grown up so much that they snap").

So there you have it. Six simple steps to being a good parent. Do let me know how you get on, should you chose to follow them all. As for me, I am working on implementing points 1, 4 and 6. Point 3 was put into action straight after school the following day when the boys were allowed eat their homemade ice pops after school and Kindergarten.

The Untidiest Room In The House

I threatened a while back to write this post. I was joking at the time. But the more I looked around me, the more I noticed that there is tough competition for this title.  We have a kitchen, a livingroom/playroom, four bedrooms and two bathrooms plus a cellar that I try to avoid because of the piles of needing-to-be-sorted-out stuff that have gathered there. 

After much deliberation, the title of untidiest room in the house goes to....[drumroll please]...the master bedroom. For once the children cannot be blamed for the mess, at least not directly. It would be nice to think that two grown adults could keep one room clean between them, but sadly no.

Let's quickly take a look back in time to when we had a toddler and were in the process of buying a house. Oh, the thought we put into the colour of the walls,  how to arrange the furniture in our room, the effort I made to decorate the room in such a way that it was tranquil but low maintenance!

Four years and two more children later, it is a different story. Let's take a moment to appreciate the fine layer of dust on all glossy surfaces. The attention to detail here is immense. The dust has been allowed to settle to perfection, giving the impression that the room hasn't been used in several years, despite being inhabited permaently. 

If we were to look under the bed, what might we find there? A long lost soother perhaps? Maybe some socks encased in a soft greyish white cloud of dust mixed with stray feathers from the pillows?  

To the untrained eye, the carefully chosen narrow dressing table could easily be confused with an ironing board, piled high as it is with clean but crumpled laundry.

As for the not-so-clean clothes, they are artfully draped over chairs, hooks and bedposts - handy as padding for when Number Three pulls himself up to stand.

It doesn't look likely that this disaster area will change any time soon. By 8am the door is closed on it and we can ignore what lies behind it until nighttime when we fall into bed, not even seeing the mess that surrounds us. 

This is Motherhood #4

You are standing in a queue to pay for something in a shop when your baby wakes and starts to cry to be fed. OK, we won't make it home before this escalates, you think to yourself. The nearest place to sit down and breastfeed baby is the local McDonalds. You can even get a decent cup of tea in the McCafe part. OK, so that's the new plan. 

But the queue moves slowly. In an attempt to soothe the baby, you rock the pram gently and say to him in your best talking-to-a-crying-baby voice "Shush now. We'll be at McDonalds in a minute and I'll feed you there". Then you realise then everyone else in the queue for the till thinks you are taking your six month old child to McDonalds for his lunch. You feel like shouting at them all "I MEAN BREASTFEDING!" but you don't do it. You just pay up and rush away and try not to imagine all the conversations that will be had later in the day when they all get home.

Blog Post Ideas for the Frazzled Parent

The other day in my Bloglovin subscription e-mail there was a link to 150 blog post ideas. Thinking that 150 ideas from one person is quite a lot, I clicked on the link and scanned the list. As I scanned, I realised that these are obviously mostly for people who have two things I don't:
a. Time
b. No children

My train of thought went a little something like this: No. 62, Pamper Night - Pamper? Isn't there an s missing? 
No. 69, How You Achieve Clear Skin - well, never having the time to apply make up helps a bit.
No. 80, working out at home - yeah, I do that. The hanging-the-clothes-on-the-line stretch, the picking-up-toys lunge, the-ouch-I-stood-on-lego-in-my-bare-feet hop, the mad-dash-after-a-toddler sprint.

So here's my alternative list. Blog Post Ideas for the Frazzled Parent:
1. What I'd do with half an hour undisturbed "me time"
2. Books I plan to read
3. Films I wanted to see in the cinema but probably won't watch till they make it to TV
4. Description and photos of the untidiest room in the house
5. This week I miraculously found time to paint my nails / dye my hair / read a book / ... here's how it was.
6. Best mammy moment of the week 
7. Best hubby moment of the week
8. Best kiddie moment of the week
9. The pile of unread / unfinished books beside my bed
10. On my bedside table you'll find. ..
11. Five things in the kitchen that don't belong there
12. My go-to weekday dinners
13. This week's most surreal moment

14. This week's tantrum was caused by...
15. What I really should be doing instead of typing right this minute

And on that note, I'll go back to being mammy now. Happy blogging!