Stuck In The Middle With You

Number Two hasn't had it easy this past year or so. In September last year, within the space of a week, he got a new baby brother and saw his older brother head off to big school, leaving him behind in kindergarten. He has mostly put on a brave face, kept a stiff upper lip and just gotten on with being the middle child. I owe him a huge debt of gratitude for that. 

My many plans to take time out to spend just with him have seldom come to fruition. Either he wants his brothers to come along or the plans fall through because of a lack of someone to look after the other two. Recently some cracks are beginning to show in his brave facade and I have been feeling more and more guilty for not being able to make time for him. 

Being a middle child myself, I know exactly how he feels. He knows that I am busy with the other two (keeping the toddler out of harm's way and helping the schoolboy at his homework) and that I am not ignoring him. But constantly being told "Not now", "in a minute" and "I'll get to you as soon as I can" isn't good for him.

I hate to admit it but the wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the oil, and he doesn't squeak. He has kept turning reliably. Until now. So I've begun a maintenance program for him. 

The best I have been able to do is to squeeze in some time in the evenings, when Number Three is asleep and Number One is entertaining himself. Even if it has only been helping Number Two get ready for bed and listening to his ideas and stories from the day, I notice it has helped. He's happier in himself. He thrives on the attention. The more we use the few minutes we have, the more we seem to find little more time just for us. 

Another thing I've found is that telling him we are going to do an activity which he suggested or which revolves around him lifts his spirits a lot. Last week, for example, we went to the kindergarten latern-making afternoon. We had to bring Number Three with us, but he stayed strapped into the buggy beside us while Number Two and I cut and glued and chatted. 

Yesterday we went to football practice for the first time. Both his older and younger brother had to come along. But he was so pleased that he was the main man. Every so often he would look up from training to smile and wave to me and his brothers where we stood and watched. 

This afternoon we had a bit of quiet time while Number One was visiting a friend and Number Three played by our feet. We browsed the toy cataolgues and he started his Santa list. 

After bedtime, as I was halfway down the stairs, he called me to come back. As I peered round the doorway he blew me a kiss. I think we're slowly finding our way out of the middle. 

Skills I Have Learnt So Far As A Parent

Being a parent has taught me many things, from the basics of dressing a newborn to deep and meaningful stuff like the depth of a mother's love. But it is the oh so useful skills I have gathered  over the past seven and a bit years that I want to share with you today. 

1. Spot cleaning - I have become a bit of an expert at spot cleaning. Pre-children , before leaving the house, I used to have a quick look in the mirror to make sure I had no lipstick on my teeth. Now it is to check whether there are any dribbles or blobs on my face or clothes. My shoulders seem to be the best place in the house for children to wipe their runny noses on or burps up milk onto. A quick scrub with a facecloth is usually enough to let me pass as clean enough to leave the house.

2. Creating the illusion of being welldressed - I like to be well -dressed but with children, you can't always do it. With a bit of creativity though, you can pass as well dressed for short trips like the school run or the grocery shopping. The trick is covering up. A blazer, a scarf, stud earrings and knee-high boots over cleanish jeans is my go-to combo. It doesn't matter how grubby your top is or whether you have got odd socks on. To the passer by, you look like you've got a grip of things.

3. Recognising the poo face -  and, for that mattter, the wee wee dance. These are two incredibly important things to look out for in your child, especially once they are out of nappies and very especially if you are in the middle of doing the shopping. The staring, concentrated face of a small child who is avoiding eye contact and the jiggly, hoppy kind of movements of a boy who hates to dance send off alarm signals to me. We high tail it to the nearest loo before there are any accidents.

4. Listening and learning - I find that learning a little bit about Star Wars, Lego Ninjago or whatever my children are currently in to makes listening to their endless stories about it a little easier to bear.

5. Accepting - accepting that neither the house nor the car will be clean for another 15 years or so, accepting that children don't understand being quiet, accepting that meals out are rushed, accepting help, ...Accepting things makes life a little easier. Why try to change them? 

Invisible Parenting

There are things no one sees me do. They are not secret. They are not hidden. Small things. Unimportant-seeming things. They go unnoticed. That is, unnoticed until they are not done. I think of them as invisible parenting.

They are things like:

Keeping an eye on minor ailments (rashes, itches, tummy pains) and changes in behaviour (wetting pants, tiredness) to see whether they are something or nothing.

Shaking the sand out of the children's shoes after they've been playing in the kindergarten sand pit.

Keeping the swimming things together in one bag and keeping that bag in the same place, always.

Picking up stray shoes, clothes, toys, spoons, jigsaw pieces from various places around the house and putting them back where they belong.

Subconsciously doing an inventory of the contents of the fridge and presses so that I know if we have milk, ketchup, yogurts, fruit or other snacks before they get asked for.

Knowing the nappy and wipe stock levels at any time but especially on Saturdays since on Sundays all shops here are closed.

Planning breakfast and packed lunches in my mind before I go to bed.

Putting away clothes for the holidays weeks before we go.

Checking schoolbags for spilt drinks, melted sweets or notes from teachers.

Checking the school and kindergarten lost & found baskets for missing gloves, scarves, PE shorts and odd socks.

Writing appointments into the kitchen calendar and turning the page each month.

I'm sure I am not the only mother to perform acts of invisible parenting. Do you? 

Adults and Their Lack of Parenting Skills - 6 Tips from a 6 Year Old

"Grown ups don't have as much Fantasie [German for imagination] as children do, Mammy"

"That's right love. Did you learn that at school today?"

"No, I just know it. Like if there is a cardboard box you say "Don't play with that. It is junk" but we can make marvellous things from it".

This conversation took place at the kitchen table the other evening with Number One. As we chatted, he and Number Two were getting their own homemade ice pops ready for the freezer. Red grape juice with strawberry Tic Tacs and fresh raspberries in them, not a combination an adult would come up with too easily. Case in point. Adults lack imagination.

Recognising the truth in what Number One had just said, I asked him for his opinion on what adults should do to become better parents. At that he turned a little bit shy, but went on to list the following points over the course of the next hour or so.

1. "Grown ups shouldn't use their phones so much because the children want to play catch or something and the grown ups just want to make phone calls". 

2. "Grown ups shouldn't make food that they made one time before and the children said they didn't like".

3. "Children should get treats after anstrengende [German for strenuous] things like school or Kindergarten and they should be given cool drinks after sport". (Apparently the drinks I give them are not good enough because they are room temperature).

4. "Grown ups shouldn't say bold words and the children learn that and think it is the way to treat people". (I am the guilty party here. Bad drivers are the cause. The Bavarian manages to keep his cool and not swear when the children are around).

5. "Do fun things. Fun for the children. Not always things that grown ups like". (Ehem! Our trip to Playmobil Fun Park, our canoe trips, our upcoming camping trip? Not fun? Hmm).

6. "Don't get cross with children if they just want to...em..if they ask for something that the grown ups don't want to do.  Like if the grown ups want to read the paper and the children ask them to play with them". (For "ask" here read "nag and whinge and not stop till they annoy the grown up so much that they snap").

So there you have it. Six simple steps to being a good parent. Do let me know how you get on, should you chose to follow them all. As for me, I am working on implementing points 1, 4 and 6. Point 3 was put into action straight after school the following day when the boys were allowed eat their homemade ice pops after school and Kindergarten.