Thursday, 23nd November 2000

The following is an excerpt from the diary I kept while working as an au pair in Bavaria in 2000/01. As I read it, it struck me that it echos the way I occasionally feel with my own children now. 

L., the child I was looking after was seven then, the age of my eldest child now. 

This evening I totally freaked out with L. All day he had been irritating me. I'm still  not sure if he was being exceptionally bad or if I was just being particularly easily annoyed. As I was putting him to bed, I broke down in tears caused partly by him, by the frustration of work and the fact that I couldn't call up Laura. It hit me this evening how she and I used to vent our emotions at each other over a beer or a few glasses of red wine at 'El Catalan'. I couldn't hold in any more all the feelings that I had bottled up since she died - sadness and loss, homesickness after returning from Ireland, frustration from the au pair job and uncertainty about the future.

An old-fashioned selfie

I remember that evening so well, although it is fifteen years ago now. When I lose my temper with my own children, there is always that thought at the back of my mind - was it their behaviour or my frame of mind today that made me snap? 

Me Now, Happy

I was never prone to soul-searching, feeling lost or unhappy with who I am. But I can say that I definitely like myself and my life now more than ever. It is not just being a mother, wife and home-owner - though each of those plays its part. It is almost as if each label I could put on myself is a Lego block and, now that they have been put together in a certain order, they make me. Not built according to the instruction leaflet but recognisable as a complete person.

I used to think, when Number 1 was a small baby, that I wanted to get back to being me. I loved being a mother, don't get me wrong. But I didn't like being seen only as a mother. Then Number 2 came along and I didn't have much time to think about who I was or wanted to be.

But gradually and largely unconsciously I evolved into another version of me. Yes, I am still a mother, a working mother, but I am also someone who loves their hobbies, spends time with friends and is involved in the community.  I am better at my job than before I had children but it doesn't occupy me as much as it used to. I am more generous with my time but use it wisely and waste less. I am more forgiving and charitable. I laugh more. I cry more too. I've overcome a lot of my shyness and I'm learning to relax. I like it.